Musings #1

“In times of peace, the warlike man attacks himself”
An inaccurate quote. Man. Woman. Warlike or otherwise. We all make war with ourselves in times of peace. And of war. Really, we are all at war, all of the time. Because we were built for nothing short of that reality. It is reality. We are imperfect creatures. You deny it but you know its true really. We all know it. Assassinations throughout history were generally committed against perpetrators of an idea. Usually against people who shared the very same idea. It can be hard to accept that we want to sleep with the enemy.

I have principles, I follow them, I try to follow my gut most of the time and it tends to lead me in a direction that regarding no one else, I find admirable. Others often find it admirable also.

But now that I think about it, have thought about it, I will never be able to eject from my mind that which is the knowledge that I am at war, that I destroy myself, willingly, most days, more nights. Through vices, through decisions, through my own imagination which always wants me to do something heroic, yet always wants me to die in the process.

There is something beautiful about the human tragedy. We seek forever to be something more than we can possibly be. A few of us make it out of the trap, accept that really everything we do is fucking meaningless, just a tiny spec in cosmic nothingness. Accept that ego is a pathetic creation of the mind to deal with the reality that we will never achieve what we want to achieve, that we will never make the contribution that most of us want to make. That those who might be reading this and doubting themselves will never truly know whether or not they were right to do so.

That in itself is the essence of doubt. Not knowing. Not knowing if you are one of those exceptions that can make the cut, that can strive, that can win. And for many of us, you can. But for those that aren’t fully convinced reading this…

We are all capable of achieving the fullest. It comes with sacrificing everything, and with no mentor. You are your own mentor. You are the result of thousands of years of evolution. YOU cannot survive in the wild. There was a man, who’s name I won’t bother to research because his name is fucking irrelevant, just like you. He lived in the wilderness, in North America, on his own, totally self sustainable; a large, fit man, someone who was mentally prepared for the challenge of a lifetime. He lived in the wild for eight years, if I remember right, and at the end of it all, he came back, he gave up, and his wisdom from it all was that 21st century man cannot live in the wild. We’re not built for it anymore. We miss the comforts of home. Of wealth.

But we can live to our fullest within our own environment. We are the new evolutionary masterpiece. We have created something that can wipe us from existence yet has been simultaneously the most effective mechanism for global peace in history of humankind. We are destroying our own ecosystem, yet we have the power within our grasp to preserve it. We have the power to outright pay off and lie to millions of other beings if we can reach a certain status, and we have the power to doubt the truth of even the most well thought out arguments without empirical evidence.

We are human fucking beings. And within us is the animal that we are. And the morality of the culture that we were raised in. I’ve seen and lived in enough different cultures, from Western, to Arab, to east Asian, to recognise that basic mannerisms are a thing of social construct, something that upon consideration and exploration you’d have to be genuinely simple to assume they held any real relevance whatsoever to survival. The thing is, when you live in a box, the walls become relevant, they become holy – because they’re there, and outside them is everything else that you cant see. I have also seen enough life in different cultures to recognise that regardless of where you are in world the basics of human empathy remain at least somewhat coherent. They may not be the same all over, but the similarities give a fair and empirical case for a universal decency.

I have however watched and been victim to the innate desire of people to benefit from one another, and grasped the simple recognition that by refusing another to benefit, one generally benefits themselves two-fold. This is something that is as natural to human beings as water is from a well.

We are within ourselves the creators of our own circumstance. We are limited only by the creation of circumstance by others and the resources we have at our personal disposal. As a sentient being we can achieve anything if we consider future consequence to be irrelevant. If you consider that you are only alive in the current moment, and that the limitations of your desires are withheld from you by either a long road of work, an unwillingness to cause distress to others or an unwillingness to deal with the ramifications of causing distress to others then you have a clear choice: We all know what we want, really, but we are sidestepped from grasping many of our desires by an acceptance of societal expectation and consequence and a conflict of our own morality – the thing is, if we really know what we want, then really our morality is limited to and shaped by societal expectation and consequence. And denied from us accordingly. However, morality is a very malleable construct. We see this time and time again. The majority of our moral actions are dictated not by heart but by rationalism – what will I think of myself if I just take from others what I want for myself? What will be the consequences legally if I simply play out life as my own playground.

A suicidal fuck up yet excellent writer once said “The only true crime is getting caught”. I resonate with this if not for the sole purpose that I myself have a whole number of desires from life which contradict the principles that I thought in my earlier mindset to be self evident. As I mentioned before, I am a man of principle – I want nice things, I want a comfortable life, I want money to burn, I don’t want others to suffer who do not have a choice in the matter. But those pampered by an upbringing of cotton or dirt, I see no reason why I should care if they are trampled into oblivion, misery and whatever they chose to condemn themselves to as a result should they decide to play a gamble in life. A gamble is a gamble. And no-one in their right mind should take pity on a gambler, no matter how pitiful their suffering might be.

The line from this essay is that human beings are worth struggling for, but those who chose to put themselves in a position of risk for a chance of gain – and lose; to bother them with pity would be to piss you own energy up the wall. Don’t waste your time. All of us were born, some live to be, others to be without.  And the best thing about you, the showpiece, the protagonist, is that, like theirs, your actions are completely fucking meaningless past what consequence they hold for you and yours truly. The rest is simply your word against theirs, and how both words are regarded in the ears of others. The real question you should be asking is whether your actions in life outweigh your words.

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